Absolutely Not

Greetings blog readers. There’s an awful lot of crazy controversy going around, and while Rylan is perfectly entitled, by the First Amendment of our constitution, to express his objectively and obnoxiously incorrect opinions, it’s important to stay true to the facts. Thus, here’s a quick cheat sheet for everyone to reference anytime you hear the fell word “Strava” besmirch and sully your clean ears.

Thus, hot off the presses, is “10 Reasons why Rylan is Wrong:”

  1. How dare you cite Coke vs. Pepsi as a rivalry. Please do not legitimize Coke as a drink on our pious UMD server.
  2. I assume neither of your “dual degrees” require any kind of writing ability. Learn how to use commas.
  3. If I wanted to read an entire post as one paragraph I would walk to the nearest elementary school and ask a kindergarten teacher to provide me with the latest work of their most challenged student.
  4. You implied that people, in 2019, use Internet Explorer to surf the internet. I can only assume that you are thus, not a technologically savvy college student, but in fact my grandmother, who consistently tries to use a house telephone to turn on our television.
  5. You admit to riding these contraptions called “bicycles,” which is actually French for “the Devil’s transportation.”
  6. You could’ve spent the time you spent biking running instead, or learning that “triathlete” and “freshman” are not proper nouns and thus require no capitalization.
  7. Claiming the moniker of “favorite Virginian” does a disservice to the 90% of Virginians that I like better. What about Allen Iverson? What of Meriwether Lewis and Ella Fitzgerald? What about your next-door neighbor that I haven’t met but is probably a very pleasant person?
  8. I do not know of this “Danny Schofield” that you’ve acknowledged at the end of your piece (if you can even call it that). I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re referring to “Sanny Dchofield,” more colloquially known as “Sanny Chodefield.” Get your sources right next time and cite them in APA or possibly MLA format like an adult.
  9. You’ve logged a run on Running2Win 13 times in the past week. It seems clear that you’re quite the avid user, but I suppose we can’t expect the henchmen of evil syndicates like Strava to display any type of loyalty.
  10. Strava backwards is “Avarts,” which any runner worth their salt knows is an acronym for “A Very Absurd Running Tomfoolery Stunt.”

Don’t be tainted by the ramblings of a man who ends his speech on a quote from quotes.com. Do yourself and the world a favor and hop on running2win.com for all the raw, quality content that Strava is simply incapable of providing.

 

Yours Truly,

Not Rylan

One thought on “Absolutely Not”

  1. These ad hominem attacks only serve to further strengthen my argument. As one of the most respected men in the galaxy once said “I find your lack of faith disturbing.” — Darth Vader

Leave a Reply