In defense of New Jersey
By Brian McCullough
While at the welcome back gathering I was introducing my roommate to people at the party and would always mention that he was from Jersey, which then brought out statements to my roommate like “ah what the fuck man” and “wow your life must really suck” as well as middle fingers and vigorous shakes of the head in disapproval. And while I enjoy shitting on the state that gave us Snooki and Kris Kristy just as much as the next guy I feel the need to at least attempt a defense of the state that my roommate lives in.
First need I mention the teams best meet from last XC season was in New Jersey and next to Princeton no less? That’s right the state that you hate also gave our team the XC course that allowed people to smash PRs (including a new club record from Shannon), get called to the podium for the first time and for the men’s team a well deserved victory, which destroyed the now tattered name of Princeton’s running club. But even after our victory was announced the men’s club at Princeton humbly acknowledged their Beta male status and kneeled before our immense superiority, a testament to their hospitality and grace in the face of humiliation. This hospitality lays in stark contrast to how many describe New Jerseyans as a-holes and jerks.
Also while we may compare Jersey to waste that pollutes the good name of America I would like to point out that Wawa litters their entire state. This great American franchise is not just where New Jerseyans get 100% of there gas and 80% of there food, instead it would be more accurate to describe it as part of there lifestyle and who can really blame a whole state for falling for a store that serves high quality sandwiches 24/7. On a personal note any store that challenges McDonalds (the only store I’ve maintained a lifetime boycott of) monopoly on the lucrative 2am drunk food market has my full support.
Now I’ve saved this for last, because I know that it’s what we all truly hate the most about Jersey: the tolls. Driving through New Jersey is like using your fake at Bentleys. First you have to buy the car/fake then you have to pay for gas/alcohol for the pregame then you have to pay the toll/cover fee and then you have to pay for the overpriced shit inside New Jersey’s gas/drinks at the bar. Now to be truthful when I remembered the tolls I stopped writing this blog post then xed out and was about to hit don’t save with they intention of resining myself to hate New Jersey for the rest of my life, until I remembered one very important thing. It wasn’t New Jersey that built these interstate highways and their annoying tollbooths it was the federal government.
This got me thinking what the problem with the federal government was and then I remembered something Nate told me a while back “Rhode Island is a completely useless state and should be annexed by Connecticut immediately.” This here is the real problem with America. Small states like Rhode Island get two self righteous senators who think they know what the country needs despite both of them representing only 0.3% of the population.
Therefore as of today the office of treasury is proposing a new state for the finest club east of the Mississippi to shit on. The completely useless, utterly irrelevant, and just insignificant state of Rhode Island. A state founded by a radical outcast of Massachusetts, who didn’t even have the decency to flee for the frontier like every other self respecting outlaw in our nations history. Switching our shit on state to Rhode Island will also remove any hard feelings that may be harbored by some of our clubs most treasured members who call New Jersey home (the Mulleted Mike DiDonato).
In addition unlike our clubs unstructured hate of New Jersey, Nate and I have an end goal in mind, to give our hate a meaning and mission. That goal is to eradicate the scourge of Rhode Island with a needed act of political courage and nobility, which will be fulfilled in due time. I give you Nate’s righteous proposal.
The Annexation of Rhode Island
By: Nate Lieske
Many people seem to have a positive perception of the irrational state that is Rhode Island. It will be my goal here today to change their minds.
Rhode Island can be compared to a tumultuous tumor growing to the east of Connecticut. It drains life from my home state with promises of beautiful beaches, but in reality it is nothing more than a disgusting growth. Rhode Islanders are reluctant to inform visitors that their coastline holds the shameful position of 5th worst water quality amongst states with beaches. Connecticut stands at a respectable 12th out of the 30 states with beaches. These facts reveal that Rhode Island has essentially stolen much of Connecticut’s coastline and polluted it beyond repair.
Perhaps some people are undeterred by the idea of swimming in filth. However, how would those people enjoy risking life, limb, and property on their way to these waste infested waterfronts? Rhode Island is ranked 48th in infrastructure quality when compared to all 50 states. While driving through its precarious roads you will encounter potholes deep enough to be the setting of Jules Verne’s Journey to the Center of the Earth. Connecticut sits at an impressive 24th.
Connecticut is clearly more proficient at maintaining its infrastructure and waterways than Rhode Island is. Everyone in both states would be better off if they were to merge. What would the name of this “new” state be? Connecticut. My home state would be investing billions of dollars into a nearly hopeless wasteland. They will not tarnish our name. Puerto Rico could then join the union so we do not have to redesign the flag or lose two senators.
I am hereby calling for our club to come together and move on from our hate of New Jersey. There’s a smaller, but much more rancid fish to fry now.
We hope that this blog, written mostly because we have nothing better to do, but also because we emphatically believe this change in our clubs core values is needed, has convinced you to join us in changing the state we hate.
Road Quality Stats: https://www.usnews.com/news/best-states/rankings